She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself