COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Eat…
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
twitter users today:
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129