A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.