Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.