Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You Might Also Like
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.