When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason