friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Heroic Misunderstanding
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Squirrels before girls.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.