When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You Might Also Like
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
early stone age tool
[shakes fist at other fist]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now