*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
A customer told me they were never coming back….
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?