My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Art by Pastelkatto