My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”