Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.