Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You Might Also Like
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”