Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
when mom throws a party…
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Best misinterpreted text ever!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow