Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.