[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
some cats are just doing for fun!
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur