In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.