“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Rooting for the overdog
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Sell your car
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee