[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few