Well, this certainly took a turn
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit