i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone