Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Still cracks me up
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.