Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.