when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy