My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
October already? What’s next? November????
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.