has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?