*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.