“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
This is so me 😂😂
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day