My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
What if the weather talks about us?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.