My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
A roof is a house hat.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom