HR said no more nunchucks.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan