Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.