Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My purse is deeper than some people.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.