If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other