Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.