Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?