[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My teenage children choosing violence
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?