I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
it must be school picture day
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same