My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
my first dose meeting my second
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”