My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”