[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!