*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash