“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
The Weeknd is back
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.