You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My god she’s good.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.