Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
beware of dog
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.