Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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