Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.