When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Safety first
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma