On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”