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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats